do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
