I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
