Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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