We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
