I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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