How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Little spoons don't ask big questions
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
