my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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