i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
