I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
im on a boat
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