I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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