went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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