Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
