Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
