I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
