i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i wish my penis had a tongue
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
