she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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