The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
