I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
