end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my being single is dangerous.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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