Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
