Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
