Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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