I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
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