I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
