apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
