I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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