i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think I sprained my soul last night
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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