I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
