i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
