I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
