There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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