got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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