Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
