Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
