I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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