But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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