Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
