Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
