I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
