Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
