You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
