I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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