if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
