Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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