My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
