Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
