im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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