The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
