I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
