I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
