You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
