Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
