A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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