My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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