Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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