i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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