i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
