My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
