So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
